Saving My Angst For Your Altima

By Debbie Feit

After my father passed
I passed the time in his New York home
filling banker boxes with his books,
my heart emptying with each shelf.

Each day I placed his
recently acquired athleisure wear
collection of T-shirts
Benetton sweaters older than his grandkids
into Hefty bags,
my anguish spilling out as I stuffed them all in.

Each night, I cried myself to sleep in his bed
unsettled in the knowledge of his dreams
that were not to be.

Each moment, I was caught
between my desire to return home,
my need to stay there
with him.

I sobbed as my sister drove me to the airport.
My sorrow would not know the same safe passage home.
You would be at work when my plane
touched down in Detroit.
My grief and I would have to find our own ride.

I’d have to hand my luggage and loss
to an Uber driver.
Would he have enough room in his trunk for my despondency?
Could I keep my sadness from splattering all over his windshield?

I ached with my father’s absence.
My heart, bruised.
My nerves, frayed.
I feared my misery might stain the upholstery.

I tried collecting myself.
Went to retrieve my (other) baggage.
Wiped a tear after receiving your text:
Be there at five.

I took a deep breath.
Almost crumpled from the kindness.
Took comfort knowing I could
exhale
in the confines of your car,
Scotchguarded for my protection.
And you, a tarp for my emotional spillage.

Debbie Feit is an accidental mental health advocate, unrelenting Jewish mother and author of The Parent’s Guide to Speech and Language Problems (McGraw-Hill) in addition to numerous texts to her children that often go unanswered. Her work has appeared in SheKnows, Insider, Kveller, Emerge Literary Journal and The Aurora Journal as well as on her mother’s bulletin board, with forthcoming pieces in Five Minute Lit and Nail Polish Stories. She is at work on a novel whose completion she fears may also be fictitious. You can read about her thoughts on mental health issues, her life as a writer and her husband’s inability to see crumbs on the kitchen counter on Instagram @debbiefeit or at debbiefeit.com.